Life comes at you fast. Laying in my bed, fighting to go back to sleep, my mind decided to race a million times a minute. I began to worry about frenemies, about Zeus, about what am I waiting for, about Love.

I thought about my Ex...the only one really worth mentioning. I thought about the demise of our relationship. He cheated, but I took him back, rocked out with him for six months more. I like to think I got over him cheating but ultimately I left him because he used to make me feel like shit. He would talk to me however way he felt, I always thought if someone did something wrong their actions should read "Im sorry" not just their lips. But with him nothing changed. And I got tired of it, the way I told him I would and I left.

I thought about how I used to be so no nonsense about the men I dated. If they werent speaking my language I was showing them the door. Nothing phased me. Nowadays, my tolerance is so high, too high. I thought about how for one guy, I have done more for in a year and a half than I have in the three years I was with a man I loved.

I thought about if I really loved the man with no titles. Or is it time making me feel that by now I should love him. I like him, and for what its worth he likes me back. If this is love, and I just dont want to admit to it, does he feel the same way? Is his mind just as confused and bewildered as mine? Does he think about me as often I do him? Does he think about the "what if's" the way I do?

I thought about where life is gonna take me in the next few years, months, weeks, days? Those very same people who had everything to say when I was just little ol' Shaina, will they still have something to say. Yesterday I received a hello from a man who hates my guts...he did it with a smile too! Will it be that easy? Why isnt everything that easy? Will the bitches back off and just let me and mines be?

I thought about Zeus again. I thought if he knows how much he means to me and would it even matter to him.

Im tired now....

Yesterday morning I laid in bed next to the only guy that I can stand to be around. Or can stand to be around me. The television was on the only channel he seems to watch, its amazing to me how often ESPN plays Sportscenter. We laid there his leg thrown over mine, being super self conscious of our morning breath, laughing and talking. I got up to prepare lunch for the day and he went to take his shower. All I can think about is how long can this last without knowing where exactly I stand.
He insists that Im more than just a friend, but he's not ready to be in a relationship. Earlier this week, we fought hard, my inner frustrations showing, I threatened to leave him alone, he threatened to leave me alone. And at the moment where I felt myself begin to tear up, my thoughts getting the best of me, he came into the kitchen singing "Lions, Tigers and Bears" by Jazmine Sullivan. I snapped back into reality when he hugged me and kissed me behind my ear as he came to the chorus "...but Im scared of loving you..." I smiled.
I thought of an interview I did, when I asked about relationships, he said "I just enjoy life...If people try to define and articulate their activities, things then become complicated..." How true does this ring?

Here I am sitting on the train next to Zeus. He's on the phone talking to what I think is another girl. I do my best at not ear hustling his convo. My philosophy is: if you snoop you got to be prepared to find something you didnt want to find. I allow myself to get consumed in my thoughts. I glance at him every now and again with a look of my growing impatience. His eyes meet mine every time. As I shot him the last look, it seems as if "goodbye" is coming soon. I tune him back in, "Awww, c'mon, talk to you later. You know you're my boo." As that last word came out his mouth, our eyes meet, and he looks at me with a half smirk that screams "dont get mad." I jumped up out of sleep. Did I just have a nightmare? Why the hell did it feel like one?

When I spoke to Zeus the next morning, I didn't mention the dream to him. I haven't mentioned it to anyone. To be honest, the dream scared the hell out of me. It was so real, more like a premonition than a dream. Is my subconscious warning me of things to come? Or was it my subconscious mirroring to me one of my greatest fears with Zeus...that I am wasting my time?

Sometimes I don't give my mother enough credit. Without going into all the details (I can never get into the nitty gritty with her) I told her about the big argument I had with Zeus, her reply to me "Why are you having big arguments with someone thats not your man?" I couldn't help but agree. She's been dying to meet him. I guess I would too. For almost year now he's been the only guy I've spoken about the most to my moms. Whenever she asks me all I tell her is "its not that serious." Her reply to me "if its not that serious, why are you still dealing with him?" I ask myself the same question everyday. I seemed to have made myself completely sick over this situation with Zeus. I spent almost a whole week depressed, not feeling like myself. I decided to confide in my sister and she made me realize I was losing myself. In her opinion I wasn't being the Shaina that she knows. The sister she knows doesn't give a f**k.

Zeus is easy. Atleast it started out that way. Even now, despite our constant tiffs, we always come back to each other. I know if Im hungry he got me, if he goes to AC and loses some bread, he knows he's good. If there was no reciprocity in this, I wouldnt do it, but somehow Im never emptyhanded with him. My issue with him is that he keeps me in limbo. He doesnt want a girlfriend at the moment, he's enjoying the single life, but he doesnt want me to make an exit just yet.

I make attempts to move on, like Pretty. Pretty made sure he was the first person to text me on my birthday, yet the only time he seems to hit me up is late at night, after the party is over. Is that really the only time I cross your mind? Like I dont know what that means!!! The last time he hit me up was about 530 in the morning, when I informed him I was going to sleep he, in so many words, said he was "looking for something to do." Really??? Something to do....*sigh*

They say actions speak louder than words, but I learned with a man, nothing is ever what it seems. Zeus doesn't seem to understand why I do some of the things I do, or did some of the things I did. Yea, I understand that some of things we do and share together are things that he claims he would never do with a chick he was just "jumping off" with, but still a girl needs to hear it. Life has taught me that a man has to put it all the way out there to really mean it. Solely counting on what he does couldnt ever be enough to know how he truly feels about you.

I was with my ex for 3 years. I wanted to make him better. I was helping him study for his GED, looking into apartments for him and seeing about better paying jobs. I found text books and old school work to aid him in studying and I hit craigslist hard everyday. He didn't seem to take it as seriously as I did. I figured bettering him, bettered us. I was doing what I could with what I had just to make him happy. He would buy me things, outfits, jewelry, kicks, just because. I thought we would last forever. Something just felt off, I inquired and he told me he was cheating, he had the nerve to tell me I was holding him back. I never saw it coming.

Now I'm in this hallway with Zeus fighting back tears. I never thought I would see him so angry. Was I expected to play saint to his sinner? Why was he making me feel so bad for this hook up? Is this it for "us"? Racing through my head was how he must have felt for me...Why couldn't he just tell me? I'm no mind reader. Ok, maybe you would never take a girl you didnt like to Atlantic City for your birthday, but would you send a girl you liked a picture of another girl you may or may not be dealing with? All the nights I've poured my heart out...why couldn't he do the same if now he pretended to feel the way I did? *sigh* This can't be life.

Two days before I turned 23 Zeus called me and asked me to come over. I have never gotten ready so fast. I took the train all the way into his neck of the woods, walked those 4 or 5 blocks to his house. I haven't been over here in so long. We talked, he showed me some new shirts he bought, we looked at pics from my vacay and we watched a movie. Damn I miss his company. We ended up having sex that night. The next morning we kicked it, and when it was time to get in the shower I discovered he never moved my pink washcloth from where I last left it, interesting.

As the clock struck 12, the birthday wishes began. Funny how Pretty was the very first text I received. My sister called me 9 minutes after and among the other texts and im's, Zeus was the next person that called me. For what its worth, I was so flattered at him calling me rather than texting or im'ing. That day as the rest of the birthday wishes poured in, I decided to scroll through my buddy list. I came across Zeus' away message "Applebees"...really Applebees on my birthday and you're not going to see me all day. His response: "come on shainy, don't act like that."

That night at my get together, I was fully aware that Zeus nor Pretty was gonna come. I had a great time in spite of and I got twisted. When I got home Zeus called me, I think he took advantage of my drunken state. He questioned the shit out of me! He managed to get a few things out of me, but nothing that seemed to alter what we had. The next day the girls and I decided to hang out in LES for a while. After our falafels we came across Subway and his friends. They provided some much needed laughs before we head home. Subway was allover me, I thought it was the liquor, but something told me he was serious. Subway and I met a year ago, we went on one date, but because his schedule was so crazy, we just always ran into each other at events. With each run in we always acted like old flames crossing paths. That night we entertained the thought of him coming back to my place. He seemed with it, I was a little apprehensive about it though. Tee egged me on and made sure I didn't back out of it. She said I made him wait a year and that was long enough! I didn't know what to expect when he finally reached my house. To my surprise Subway gave me the best head I have ever gotten in my life. As we would say he "slutted himself out." He slept until the next afternoon, and he was off back to his busy busy schedule. I feel like one of the reasons we've maintained our friendship for as long as we have is because I don't get all groupie and treat him any different so I really can't say I feel any kind of way. I do know this was some kind of way to bring in 23.

Shaina: Boogity boogity boo!
Teneille: *screams and runs*
Shaina: [AWAY] Time after time, I've done my sentence, but committed no crime...
Teneille: tisk tisk tisk...ur away message!
Shaina: Lmao
Shaina: I always forget
Shaina: Cuz somebody else is always disrespecting me with their away up
Teneille: really my nig? so u do me like that?
Shaina: Nah
Shaina: I just forget
Shaina: Yo...why are the people on the 15 so ignorant
Teneille: sigh
Shaina: Nobody wants to move to the back
Teneille: my throat hurts
Teneille: pause
Shaina: There's maaad space
Shaina: Lol
Shaina: Awww man
Shaina: There's definitely something going around
Teneille: like on some im bout to be sick for real type shit
Shaina: I told u Zeus said I sound like Patrick Star
Teneille: lmao
Shaina: Smh
Shaina: He's an ass
Shaina: You better drink some bush tea tonight
Shaina: Special brew
Teneille: idk kid
Teneille: i feel wild out of it, my head be mad stuffy in the morning too
Shaina: Awww man
Teneille: word
Shaina: Every morning I wake up wild congested
Teneille: shit is crazy
Shaina: I can't lose my appetite
Shaina: I refuse to!
Teneille: yo ur life and times 5 is craze
Teneille: sorry i keep dwelling
Shaina: Lol
Teneille: god bless on that one kid
Shaina: Word
Teneille: hahaha
Shaina: Lmao
Teneille: i literally cant wait until tomorrow
Teneille: DUMB hot!
Shaina: It took me mad long to get it together
Shaina: Lol
Shaina: You stupid
Teneille: im mad u put me on blast tho, haha now i look like the devils advocate
Shaina: Hahahaha
Shaina: I wonder if Subway gonna know im talking about him
Shaina: Hehe
Teneille: hell yeah
Shaina: Lmao
Teneille: $#&%& reads the blog everyday
Shaina: Omg!
Teneille: lmao
Shaina: Im outted
Teneille: its all good, u didnt out him
Shaina: Im gonna die!
Teneille: stick to ur guns baby!
Shaina: Nah
Teneille: this is what the life and times of s.elle is about right?
Shaina: Lol
Teneille: u chumpin?
Shaina: Can't wait til Zeus starts reading
Shaina: Nah...I aint chumpin
Teneille: all u gotta do is ask a black person if their chumpin...lol
Shaina: Lol
Shaina: For real
Shaina: Like callin someone pussy
Shaina: They be like hell nah!
Teneille: LMFBAOOOOOOOOO
Shaina: Lmao
Teneille: that made me choke
Shaina: Peer pressure is bitch!
Teneille: nah we all hold each other down so we know we not gonna set each other up for some DUMB shit
Shaina: Yes, very true
Teneille: thats why i kept yung
Teneille: just kidding
Shaina: I hear that
Shaina: Lmao
Shaina: You're an idiot
Teneille: lol
Shaina: I think ima start savin up for a car
Shaina: I get my bonus in january....I think that's what I wanna do
Teneille: cool
Teneille: get something with a radio
Shaina: This 15 bus is gonna be the death of me
Shaina: Lmao
Shaina: And heat
Teneille: that was next
Teneille: the weather outside makes me feel like hearing never change
Teneille: never never never never change
Teneille: i never change
Teneille: i never change
Teneille: sigh
Shaina: For real....I miss having an ipod
Shaina: *sigh*
Shaina: I just got maaaad tired
Teneille: sigh me too...or at least an ipod with a face :-/
Shaina: Lol
Shaina: Yea I know
Teneille: im def getting sick
Teneille: this is DUMB ridiculous
Shaina: Lmao
Shaina: You stupid
Teneille: so now what happens with u and uncle sub? lol
Shaina: Idk
Shaina: Guess we gotta call each other first
Teneille: i like the fact that our return visitors are balancing out with our first timers...we got that crizack
Shaina: Oh yezzea
Teneille: yesterday took us over 3k uniques the 31st makes our month we gotta get a cake
Shaina: Awwww!
Shaina: we should
Teneille: nysd 4 life...homies over hoes!
Shaina: Lmao
Shaina: Word
Teneille: DUMB word!
Teneille: that shit sounds just like laffy taffy in my head right now
Shaina: Hahaha
Teneille: homies over taffy
Teneille: aight go to work, im going to take a nap

They say what happens in Miami, stays in Miami. In my case nothing happened, nothing worth mentioning atleast. I found myself generally uninterested in having sex with anyone down there. I apologize to those who made a good effort to get me there. My heart just wasn't in it, and that's what really counts, your heart right?Seems these days my heart isn't in much of anything. Usually when I have this many dudes checking for me at once, I feel like hot stuff, but now not so much. I want more. I want someone, something that's more than easily attainable, I want someone that Im truly attracted to and that I like.Pretty was down in Miami, I didn't even see him once. I didn't even miss him. Getting back to NY now, he went from hitting me up everyday, atleast once, to not even hitting me at all. The weird part, I don't even feel disappointed by it. I didn't question whether he likes me or not, nothing of the sort. Rather I asked myself "am I desensitized?" Definitely can't say that, some people manage to get under my skin all the time. Zeus being one of them. I kind of like it though.

Im so mad I had to literally throw a tantrum via aim to get Zeus to buy my camera. Yea I know, but we don't "deal" anymore, we're friends atleast that's what I like to believe. I asked him for a camera for my birthday, but I wanted it early for my trip to Miami. He said he would try, little does he know I rest the fate of whatever relationship we have on this camera. Its a bit drastic, but I put up with a whole lot of shit from him. I've bought him video games and such, just because he asked, and he got it when he wanted it. When he went to Miami earlier this year, I went all over to buy him some shorts and polo tees. A camera? The one measly thing I ask for, I have to wait? I don't think so. I feel he's prolonging this to have a reason to not buy it for me. As far as he knows I've been a good girl and he's thinking everybody slips up in Miami. He swears out Im gonna get with somebody out there..and if I do, "that bitch don't deserve nothing from me" lol...mind you he had a girlfriend when we first hooked up. This Miami trip got everybody acting weird. Everyones being so nice! Hahaha...guess the goal is to get in my panties by any means neccessary. Whatever!

Hmmm, last night Pretty came over for me to do his hair for Miami, being that he's leaving the day before me. It was late, he came afterwork. He couldn't put his phone down. I couldn't help but look over his shoulder, I mean what the f**k is he doing? Interesting, texting someone named "Tiffany."

Miami here I come!

You know I never even looked at him twice. He was just tall and awkward to me. His name was Zeus. He had these dusty ass braids and this funny looking nose, ugh. He cut his hair and I still didn't care, although it did make his points go up...I made a note to tell him this. I heard from somebody that he was feeling me, I didn't give it much thought, he didn't act any different. I could care less anyway. We were cool to say the least. It was to my knowledge he had a girlfriend, it seems like they always do, but that's where it ended.. at least that's what I thought.

It was January, and Cee and I threw one of our first get togethers. A quick last minute invite through a mutual friend, and he was there. Everything was going smoothly, people seemed to be enjoying themselves, now it was time for me to have a little fun. We danced and somehow dancing turned into kissing. I didn't think anything of it, whats a little kissing? He wasn't tall and awkward anymore, was I really attracted to him now? We dipped off into my room for what I thought would be more kissing...We were nervous, we both know how people liked to talk. We thought our secret was safe. Somehow that night turned into rides home everyday after work, buying lunch for each other, spending nights at each others house, a trip to AC, and spending too much time with one another.

He had a girl, we talked about her, them, but still we kept on. Our "relationship" became the talk of the town, I guess a boy cant give a girl a ride home unless their having sex. The smear campaign began. Everybody had something to say, all of a sudden I was this and that...Zeus would tell me some of the things they would say. He never defended me, or told them to stop, I should've took heed then. Instead I empathized, I know how nasty men can be, more bitch than a woman. There was the comedy show incident, I guess it was subconsciously his way of letting everyone know I wasn't his girl, including me. I got upset about it, but still kept at it with him. He liked me and I liked him. We would talk about our feelings for one another, I don't think he remembers that part. He started telling all the guys that we no longer dealt and that we were just cool. Damn, it hurts to be denied.