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Yesterday, Cee and I talked about our humble beginnings.

She laughed at my stories but, it took a lot for me to share how insecure I was and honestly still am at times.

I never really was a "first grader". Embarrasingly more advanced than my peers, I'd take my attendance in Miss Rose's first grade class and head up to Mrs. Fernandez's second grade class the entire year. I didn't fit in anywhere. The first graders called me Urkel and the second graders didn't even acknowledge me. My younger sister and I are 13 years apart so at the time I was an only child. My Dad lived in LA and my Mom worked and went to school full-time. That was a real lonely time for me. Guess that's why I'm used to being by myself.

One rainy day, my first grade "classmates" had been missbehaving on their way up to the classroom. Late for my second grade lessons, Miss Rose hurried me in first to hang up my coat and head upstairs to Miss Fernandez's class. After me she let two other students in who had other things on their minds besides hanging up their coats. Humping. Trying to get the deed done without getting caught, they knocked me down in the closet and went at each other. They knocked my glasses off and I dirtied my white tights from falling into a pile of old textbooks. I was horrified and worse, felt practically invisible.

Invisible.

I'd never really been "sought after" growing up. Some girls just had "that thing", I didn't and I learned to be okay with that. Even after my rise to "cool kid status" as a teenager, I still never had "that thing" that'd garner the attention of the "popular boys" or the jocks. So now that I find myself being pursued by those boys that would've never looked twice, I'm far from gassed. I think I'm a little salty on the low actually. I'm still the same girl I was then now so what's so different?

Is it some sexual awareness I was missing because I didn't lose my virginity until after high school? This isn't me praising Revenge of the Nerds, I wasn't always a geek I'm just trying to figure out why dudes were not checking for me and still kind of aren't. Cee disagrees with me using this argument for the present but its how I feel. Do you know how many times I've been Donnell Jones'd? Where I Wanna Be'd? Thinking about that makes me laugh out loud and shake my head both at the same time.

So now I'm here with the popularjock. Yet another wavy lightskinned boy, hazel eyes, LV'd out, private school educated and I'm not moved. He would not have hollered me back then but now he can't stop calling me gorgeous and waiting on me to tell him "what I'm looking for". Word? This is some bullshit.


5 comments

Kwan Lee said... @ December 15, 2008 at 8:22 PM

Interesting post. You do know that you intimidate people though right? Maybe that's what it is. Like guys have to be like, ok I gotta come correct with this girl. That's if they want to be friends or even more.

Kidsister said... @ December 16, 2008 at 1:20 AM

The underdog always prevails,we catiegirls never have to force our worth,it illuminates on it's own. But are guys intimidated by that? It's crazy..I've felt like a loner forever...and even now. I don't have someone feening to pick me up from work or calling me down to take me out to dinner.It's an unsettling feeling,because even now I question myself. The loneliness feels icky and empty. I'm beginning to get use to,it's just a crazy feeling....ahhhh too much to comment,

K.icks M.aterials H.er said... @ December 16, 2008 at 1:25 PM

Wow...

I can't even describe how lit up I am right now :) . I was wondering why I connect with you outta the millions(or a shitload more) of authors I read from currently. I know why now, you're like the bytes to my mainframe,lol. I think(daily), how funny it is that the "lame" kids turn out to be cooler than everybody else.

Live long and prosperous, hehe

Teneille said... @ December 16, 2008 at 2:32 PM

Thanks man..."the underdog always prevails" - Kid Sister. It's crazy the shit you'd never know about people until they start talking right? Now yall see why I'm always on my "Might speak but, I dont fuck with nobody" shit.

K.icks M.aterials H.er said... @ December 16, 2008 at 10:48 PM

Exactly.

People are too quick to judge. I wonder from time to time what was so special about the other kids that set them at POPULAR status from the beginning?... I guess I'll never know. Cause all of em are the lame ones now.

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