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Everyone looks shady on the train this morning.

And it smells like bologna. I hate bologna. And I especially hate the way it smells when it's fried. The conductor looks like a 290 pound version of Da Brat and the guy standing in front of me has a 6th finger, a name ring and a crooked Keyzer Soze lean. The lady across from me has a dark caesar and a sick pair of aviators on. She almost resembles the comedian Sommore until she opens her mouth to the person on the other end of her cell phone and now she resembles Marcia from Dancehall Queen...just with a dark caesar and a sick pair of aviators on.

Everyone looks so shady on the train this morning.

And it's making me think of my ex. I hate him. Especially now, in hindsight. But, I haven't spoken to him in a while and I'm kind of missing him. Especially now, this time of year. We had an argument over a pair of socks but something's telling me it wasn’t about the socks at all, well at least not to him. We saw each other everyday and woke up to each other every morning. We'd make dinner together at night and laze around the house on our days off. He spoiled me, being with me like that. And now I don't know how to not be with someone, like that. But, he also never took me out, never bought me anything, never even told me he loved me, until it was too late. He never stood up for me, never complimented me and never made me feel safe or proud or strong. Never really supported me, always criticized me and constantly reminded me that (in his words) "I usually mess with short thick regular girls". He would hold everything inside and blow up at me every three months. It was like studying really hard for every test and even handing in extra credit reports, really wanting to pass a class just to receive an F at the end of the semester. In not so many words, my love was just too confusing to him. Said it hurt him so bad how I loved him so good. And he hated it. He said I made him too comfortable. I took care of him too well. Said he'd felt like he'd always be taken care of. He'd found himself just wanting to stay home so I can love him in all the ways only I could love him. His energy had become consumed by mine. But, I was cursed with drive and that left him to feel jealous and inferior. How could I love him and my dreams at the same time? He needed a girl who needed him, I wasn't that girl. He needed a girl who'd be content with riding shotgun not dream of pulling up alongside him. So he made my love choose.

And now I haven't heard from him in a while. He's ignoring me...again. He'd ignore me when we were together too. He called it "putting me on punishment". Fucked up right? Guess that's why I hate feeling ignored now. We held on to each other for about a year after we'd "officially" broken up. Textbook exes, we'd fuss, dwell over petty disagreements we'd had when we were together, talk shit about each others current lovers. He's dating a tall, dark and slim girl now, go figure.

I kind of miss him but I know I don't know him anymore. Like if he walked through these silver doors this second he'd blend in with all the other shady characters on the train. Truthfully, I wouldn't be the slightest bit inclined to even speak to him. Why is that? How is it that people can go from knowing only each other to not knowing each other at all anymore?

2 comments

Kidsister said... @ November 24, 2008 at 5:57 PM

Omg I'm on punishment this week from somebody that's not even my man but sure acts like it. ASSHOLE D...I still love the ham though:)

Patrice said... @ November 24, 2008 at 7:46 PM

Okay I have to comment again! With that dude I felt like I was busting my ass for a promotion and fell short cause I wasn't a cut-throat employee but instead I was passionate employee who saw the beauty of quality over quantity..T if that makes any sense to best clerify my painful situation...I heart and yurn that boy:) ahhhhhhhh I can't take it!

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