I love new! The excitement, fantasy, the gifts (hehe), the initial passion and curiosity of dating...but, at the end of the night an empty bed is sometimes nice, sometimes not.For the past 3 years, I have enjoyed the in's and out's and up's and down's of dating life. Not that I haven't had the opportunity to become part of a committed relationship, I just haven't had the desire to do so. And now Life has presented me with one of those boys that just won't go away. He's been hanging around, trying to make me "his girl" and I've politely declined, told him to drop it, and cussed him out just to see but, he won't leave me be. Funny thing is, this kinda turns me on. I put up a new obstacle, and he casually steps over it, un-phased by my throw down. He tells me he stated his intentions from the start of us hanging out what his plans were (to be my man) and I just haven't been listening. Thing is, I've been listening very closely and within my listening, I've been going through my own roller coaster of internal processes.
What I've realized in my downright defiance to remain single actual lies quite a lot of fear. I've uncovered all these "beliefs" deep down that if I partner up with someone, even a man I just call my boyfriend, somehow a part of me is going to die! I know that sounds crazy but being raised by a strong, independent, single mother, I have it instilled in me to take care of myself no matter what. And somewhere that message got lost in translation and here I sit with all sorts of beliefs about how I can't trust any man, how men don't really know how to show up and basically, that I can do it all on my own thank you very much! Whoa Leah whoa!
I do see that there is a lot of power and wisdom in these seemingly neurotic statements. For instance, I believe it is responsible and intelligent to trust most people to a point, and that point I determine by my own intuition and observing the other person's actions. I also believe that some men talk a lot and have zero follow through, and ultimately a woman should absolutely be able to stand on her own two feet. BUT, there comes a time when it's actually OK, and necessary, to receive from a man and that doesn't mean I'm any less of a woman in doing so.
Now back to this New fascination I have. If I'm about to become someone's girlfriend, I know I'm giving up acting out the whole "see them across the room, eyes lock, exchange numbers, blah blah blah" fun game I really do love to play. If I'm in a committed relationship, the train pretty much stops at "see them across the room, eyes lock" if I want to stay outta trouble. Break the gaze and keep walking Girly!
And I know there's wonderful, amazing NEW experiences to be had within a relationship with one person, I just seem to have developed a serious case of amnesia from my previous relationship. I'm also a little traumatized watching my inner player hang herself in place of this new, girlfriend-kinda-girl. It feels like when I wear heels once a month in place of my converse, and I walk around awkwardly for the first 30 minutes until I get my bearings and my little strut back. A little shaky, a little unfamiliar and ultimately a risk in itself. I could break an ankle or something with all those extra inches!!!
That said, I'm still moving a head with my New experiment- eyes open wide, my heart present and my fear, wonder, love and passion bubbling over. I am officially in the transition period from single girl to committed girl and it feels groundless and grounded all at once. All people present (God included), if this is a potentially horrifying union, please speak now or forever hold your peace. Leah, you may now kiss your single girl swag goodnight...
Posted by Leahnicole
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