Emotional...

I haven't bitched and grunted on here in a long time but I'm real sobby at the moment so why not vent?

J.Holiday is on constant repeat right now and I have that tight burning feeling in my throat fighting this need to cry.

Lately I've been so down but I play it off real well. I 'll laugh for hours, pour myself into my work, let unecessary shit/people bother me, eat like a maniac and stay on the phone all night. I don't like to fall asleep because it forces me to be relaxed and delve into what I'm dealing with. I'm the biggest fronter..I can be the sickest one in the room and walk around with the hugest smile on my face. I've molded myself to supresss shit until I can't contain it anymore but as I'm getting older it's getting harder and harder to do.

I just want to feel like a normal twenty-year old (yeah I said it) and do twenty-year old shit but God didn't set things up for me that way. It's the Gift and the Curse.. I have a career that's blossoming like crazy but an empty soul. I'm unhappy and I feel ungreatful because there's people who will sell their souls to be in my position.

I fell for a dope ass nigga who I can never ever have.I have a slew of friends who are jealous of my grind and people around me who I'm still feeling out.I'm in a state of paranoia. My family supports me but doesn't understand this business that forces me to be secluded from normalcy. I'm breaking man and why is this fucken song making me cry even more as I'm typing..ahhhhh I need a fucken vacay...and come back brand new.

I'm emotionally sick...all the deep-rooted shit I've covered up is creeping up on me everyday..ahhh

And why am I so doubtful.....for the past years I've been struggling to know my worth. Who is Patrice and what the fuck does she deserve? I deserve the nice things, acknowledgement or to one day pass by a mirror and look dead in that shit and feel that I'm worthy of getting any and everything I want in my life...

That's it..I can't write anymore...tears are streaming..my eyes are blurry and I can't even see anymore.

I'm done.